5 weeks

We think Nathan smiled! It can still be from gas but we really do think he looked right at both of us separately and smiled.

Nathan has a lot more alert periods and is alert for longer at a time. He is starting to look around at the environment and seem interested in what's in the room around us. In fact, he will fuss for a little bit until we move him and then he starts looking around and stops fussing. Sometimes I think he just wants to see what's around.

Nathan rolled from front to back again but he was ticked off during tummy time so I didn't make him try again. And the rolling was from him kicking and clawing around because he didn't want to be on his stomach. Go figure. We did mention this when we took him for his one month appointment at the pediatrician and she said it doesn't count because he didn't do it intentionally. So I guess that answers that! Not rolling yet.

We swapped the nursery and our room this week. We really did it because the nursery was in the "master" bedroom and adjoined to the bathroom that Dave and I use most of the time. This way we can use the bathroom and not be walking through the nursery once Nathan is in the crib. Now our room is smaller but the nursery can take some of the toys and it actually is nice to put toys in there so Nathan and Neil can play. My only concern is that now Nathan's and Neil's rooms share a wall so Nathan might be more likely to wake Neil up. Time will tell.

Nathan is also starting to grip things. He really likes to grab my hair now and doesn't let go. I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize those are his hands but he definitely has a little grip there. He's also much more expressive with his face- sticking out his tongue, making faces, etc. And he's starting to coo/talk. I love it.

Sleep is still hard. Nathan really seems to want to be in one of our arms all the time and because of Neil needing attention and the fact that I'm the one who does the nursing, it usually ends up being me by default. (I do feel a bit bad because Dave holds Nathan a lot less than he held Neil at this age and I hope he's not upset about that.) I don't have a lot of updates from last week on sleep.

So I feel like I say this all the time but I have to say it again (as a preface). In social media we all tend to just talk about the good things and it projects these false images of who we all are and how things are really going. Granted, who wants to air dirty laundry or whatever and it's a big downer to constantly hear all the negative stuff as well. But I try really hard, while keeping out maybe the more personal stuff, I try to keep it real and be honest and up front as much as possible. If anything I just don't talk about things that are too personal or whatever. With that said, and hopefully Neil/Nathan don't somehow come across this someday and take this the wrong way. But I've come to this realization that it's really getting wearing. It's worth it, don't get me wrong. But I'm feeling pretty tired right now of having to always give, give, give. To have a little person who just constantly needs. With the nursing, as much as I love the bonding experience, there are just times I want to get away from it. I want to go to dinner and not be nursing in a restaurant. Nathan at this point nurses so often in the evening that I can't even say here Dave, here's a bottle, I'm going to just get an hour to myself all by myself. Or for that matter, here babysitter, I want a date with my husband. Yes, there can be ways around it- a stay at home date with Dave maybe. Etc. But there are definitely times I'm feeling selfish and tired of being selfless and always putting someone else in front of me. Is this something a parent does? ABSOLUTELY. I also recognize that there are so many people out there struggling for whatever reason who would give anything to be in this position. I was there at one point. It does make me hesitate saying some of this but this is reality. It's the way it is. It's normal. It doesn't mean I don't want either kid. But yes sometimes I mourn the life before. You never realize what you have until it's not there. The grass is always greener. All those things. They're true. You don't realize what the freedom to be selfish is until you don't have it. And sometimes you just want a taste of that back again. Yes I will get it again but there are some nights when I'm sitting in the recliner unable to sleep that this weighs me down a bit.

That's my update on me haha. Yeah kinda heavy but I just felt I wanted to talk about it a little. Even if just that I re-read this someday and laugh. I mean, think about it. Give it 20 years or so with both kids out of the house potentially. I'll be saying oh how I miss those newborn days when I could just cuddle 24/7. LOL. I'm not going to continue updating my weight because now it's not really pregnancy related; it's general. (I definitely lost all the pregnancy weight but won't deny my body is still shaped differently. I haven't really talked a lot about that part anyways other than to say I'm wider for sure.)