Becoming a 2nd time mom

I've been thinking about this and figured I'd just talk about it openly here. I try to be pretty open other than things that affect someone else's privacy. As for myself I'm pretty open (I usually avoid TMI but will always answer questions if asked, just privately to not gross other people out.)

This pregnancy has been very different. People ask me how far along I am and I have to pause and think, look up my weekly email updates I get via email, or look at this blog to see what post I haven't written yet... It's so different chasing a toddler around. I don't take pictures, where Dave graciously took them every single week for me, on the day that I changed from one week to the next. This time I'm lucky if I get one in the bathroom at work with whatever I'm wearing at the time. (Last time I very carefully picked outfits that were tight. Now I'm wearing sweaters and going eh good enough for a picture.)

With that said, there is also a lot going through my mind.

I love Neil sooo much. I couldn't even imagine it before I held him in my arms. I always knew I would love my child because I have always loved kids and loved babies. But when it's your own it is just so much more powerful and indescribable. And I know I will love this baby just as much. I can't imagine it to the extent it will be there but I will.

I feel a bit guilty for not paying so much attention to this pregnancy. I was much more cautious when I was pregnant with Neil. This time I eat hot dogs and don't bat an eye. Including just out and about. It's one of the easy meals for Neil and if I eat something else he doesn't want what we gave him, he wants what I had. So it's just easier for me to eat the hot dog. The problem with hot dogs is the risk/potential for listeria, which can be fatal for the fetus. That's the same for lunch meat as well. And those are just two examples.

I also do worry sometimes about whether or not things Neil does affect the baby or me. He doesn't mean to but I constantly get kicked, hit, nudged, etc. in the stomach. And Neil really wants to be held and by just me. As I get further in the pregnancy there are times I have to just put him down and he throws a tantrum. I'm worried this is only going to get worse when there is a newborn I am nursing (if all goes well there) and Neil still wants his attention.

Which brings me to my next concern- I have to admit I pushed Dave to have a 2nd kid. I really wanted two. I thought it would be better for them, to have playmates, and grow up together. I know only children do just great as well. And my sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up (including me throwing a pencil that oops hit her right on the edge of the eye and her trying to break my bedroom door around me when I barricaded it to try to keep her out). But my sister and I are tight now. I depend on her when I really need someone to talk to. I can't imagine not having her around. (I love my brother as well but honestly a 16 year age difference means we didn't grow up together so the bond isn't quite the same.)

I look at Neil though and he gets a LOT of attention right now. He loves it. Thrives in it. Expects it. Is it unfair to him to take that away and divide it? I know in my head no it's not and he'll be fine. And that in the long run this is good but it might be a hard transition. But it just makes me kind of gulp nervously when I really think about it. Maybe I'm worrying too much about the transition, but it's still something I think about. And for now while he's the only child I can hug in my arms, I scoop him up and tell him how much I love him and how he's my baby. I'm treasuring this time I have with just him as much as I can.

I ran across this article between writing this post and actually posting. Guess this is what life is going to be like soon! http://www.mommysmetime.com/to-the-mom-with-a-toddler-and-a-baby/ I actually wrote this post a few months ago and then saved it to post closer to Neil's 2nd birthday. I do have a hard time sometimes carrying Neil around and Dave insists at times that Neil go with him. Neil seems to fuss enough to see if he can get me to carry him and when I don't take him he calms down. So at least that is working better than it was!