Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I usually avoid multiple posts on a single day but I'm going to make an exception today in remembrance. I remember my losses more often than a single day a year but will be lighting a candle tonight as usual along with a lot of other mommies out there.

Photo Credit: http://peacefulpromises.wordpress.com/

Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day

Once again this year I will be lighting a candle in honor of those babies lost during pregnancy or infancy. Here is my post about it last year. My intention is to light a candle every year at 7pm even if I don't explain why. I'm not sure if we will explain to Neil. Regardless of what gets said though, I will never forget.

My thoughts and prayers are with every one of you who have experienced this.

Since this didn't post as I meant to first thing this morning, I'd also like to pass on an article that really expresses how I feel about our losses and worded things a lot better than what I've attempted (and not posted).

A Mother With a Candle to Light

In memory

I feel compelled to post this just because I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

One year ago today, we said goodbye to our second baby/pregnancy. I wish I could be holding that baby in my arms right now, sitting at this computer, but it just wasn't meant to be. I hope our first two babies are up in Heaven, playing together. There have been days that that's the only thought that keeps me moving. Even a year later.

I know it's a popular song on Christian radio, but especially lately Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns keeps coming on the radio. That's really what prompted me to even post about this day that I will be remembering and praying.

Our band plays Praise You In This Storm and I handle it fine when we're playing it but I can't sing along to the whole thing when it comes on the radio. I end up stopping because I'm tearing up too much. I wonder if that will every fully go away. This song has so much meaning to me and has really become a reminder to me of both of our losses.

Verse 1:
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Verse 2:
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Chorus x2

We love you and miss you, baby. We learned we were expecting you on September 26, 2011. We lovingly nicknamed you Little Monster. Your estimated due date was June 5, 2012 and we lost you at 10 weeks 1 day on November 9, 2011. You will always, always hold a place in my heart.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

In October 1988 Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  He said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them." October 15th was declared by Robyn Bear as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day to set aside a special day to remember our lost ones. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Bear suggests on her website that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss.

I plan on lighting a candle this year and will remember not only our losses but the losses of my friends and family. I didn't recognize this month or holiday last year because it was too hard for me.

I discussed some techniques I use to calm myself down during my current pregnancy but here are some mantras I came across on the internet that might also be helpful to anyone trying to get pregnant or currently pregnant.

1. “Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.”
2. “I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.”
3. “My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage.”
4. “Just because a friend/relative is having a miscarriage, does not mean that it will happen to me.” Miscarriage and pregnancy complications are not contagious, only fear and stress are.
5. “Hope does not make bad things happen.” You cannot “jinx” your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.
6. This is the hardest: “There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening.” Worrying yourself sick doesn’t prevent a miscarriage. “And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive.”

Miscarriage thoughts

So although it will be a few weeks after I write this for this to post, yesterday Dave and I went public with our current pregnancy and I've started publicly posting the things I've been writing down as this pregnancy has progressed. My first post was a kind of confession where I admitted that I've had miscarriages and talked a little about it.Now that some more time has passed, I figured I would talk a little more about some of the emotions/feelings I've had.

First, to any of my friends reading this who have had a baby in the last year or so: I'm sorry if I've been pretty quiet or aloof about things. It has been extremely difficult for me to watch people having babies and holding them in their arms. And it has felt like EVERYONE else is having babies but me. You know how they say little girls always dream of their wedding days? I always dreamed of having a baby of my own, not about my wedding day. Ask my mom. I had a baby book and had names picked out (nothing common because I HATED how many Jennifers there are). I was going to have a girl first, Crystal, and then twin girls, Xena and Zora. BTW, Xena: Warrior Princess completely stole my name idea! Unfortunately, Dave doesn't like any of these names so no, this baby will not be Crystal, Xena, or Zora.

Anyway, it has been especially hard seeing friends and family have babies around either of our due dates. Both due dates have someone (actually more than one each time) right around it and even now every time I see a picture of the babies it's hard because it reminds me of what I could have had. I'm not perfect. I try really hard to get past that, but I have my good days and bad days. So while I'm very happy for you and your babies and I recognize what a joy and miracle those babies are, please forgive me for not seeming super excited or responsive about it. And yes, for a lot of people, I set so that I would not see Facebook status updates for awhile. I'm really sorry. It's just something I had to do so I could work through my emotions and try to deal with jealousy and bitterness. (BTW this is also why I'm trying to avoid as much as possible putting pregnancy updates on Facebook itself. I figure people have to want to come here to read this stuff if they're reading it. I won't 100% avoid that but I'm trying to make it a little easier for anyone else going through this right now.)

I have a number of friends who have gone through this (miscarriage). I said before that my heart aches but I don't think I can ever describe how much my heart sinks whenever I have to hear the bad news from someone else. Or that someone is trying to get pregnant and having a hard time with that. My heart seriously just aches, physically aches. I say prayers, try to send cards, give hugs, but I know there is nothing I can do. I just want to take the pain away but I can't.

Sometimes I feel guilty with this pregnancy. I did nothing to deserve this where other friends are still struggling. I keep all of them in my prayers every day and think of them often. And hope that someday they will have a baby in their own arms. I don't even know how else to say how deep all my emotions run with this. I will say that I cry every time I read a blog post or email about someone dealing with infertility, miscarriage, still birth, etc.

This is something I'm sure will take a long time to work through. I've worked through a lot already but it has such an effect and has taken a lot out of me.

With all that said, these are some ways I have dealt with it and worked through some things.

When I see a pregnant woman out in public and I feel a pang of bitterness or jealousy, it helps to remind myself that I have no idea what it took her to get to that place. Not to mention that it is such a blessing, that little baby growing inside of her. It's still hard, but it makes things more tolerable.

Miscarriage wise, when a friend says something hurtful, I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are a friend and do not have malicious intent. They didn't realize that what they said hurt me and it was by no means intentional. I know I need to forgive even if they never know that what they said hurt me and move on; forget about it. And I promise, if you worry that you might have said something, I really have worked hard on this one and made a conscious effort to forgive and forget. It's ok. I love all you guys. (And no, honestly, I'm not thinking of anyone/anything specific as I write this.)

Finally, this pregnancy has really been an emotional roller coaster and although things are better, I'm sure it will continue to be (even after the baby is born). There is a board I lurked on that uses the mantra "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." While a lot of people seem to find that mantra helpful, for me personally, it's just too hard to say that to myself. With both of my losses, the baby was gone before my body even registered it. For weeks! And I have had a really hard time with that.

So, for me, personally, I have adopted the "mantra" that this is a new pregnancy and I am enjoying every minute of it, what I'm experiencing- and yes the good with the bad. I did buy a home doppler and for me it has been a Godsend. Since the midwife center was understanding and okayed personal use, I have been and will probably continue to use it every few days until I start feeling the baby move. It helps me know that the baby is still ok. I know if I didn't have it, I would be super anxious and it helps me stay calm. I do have an anterior placenta, which I think means it's slightly harder for me to hear the heartbeat. So if I don't hear it once, I'm not going to panic but will try again another day (ok, yes, probably the following day). And if I don't hear it then, I'll call and head in to let the midwives try for the heartbeat and just take things as they come. I know not everyone agrees that this is the best way to do things but it has helped me tremendously so far. And I also recognize that we all have different personalities so for some people it's not the right choice and would cause more worry.

Confession and thoughts

My name is Jen. I have had 2 miscarriages. And I'm pregnant for the 3rd time.

There. That feels like I am in an alcoholics anonymous meeting or something like that. But it's really hard to admit that I've had miscarriages and to talk about it.

As I write this, I am 4 weeks and 2 days along in my 3rd pregnancy. The only people who know so far about this one are doctors and management at work. My sports doctor for running knows. I went to the midwife center to ask what I can do to avoid another miscarriage. (Basically, I just need to be as healthy as possible but there isn't really anything I can do differently this time; it's just something that happens.)

I don't know if I'll ever post this. Miscarriages are a lot more common than people realize. For both people who have kids and for people who have been unable to. When I do tell someone (for whatever reason), more often than not they say, yeah, we had a miscarriage or miscarriages as well. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I always wondered why it doesn't get talked about until I had my first. While it's fairly common, people don't know how to react to it. Even worse are people who don't understand or who haven't been through it themselves. It really takes going through it to truly understand. I'll admit I never really thought of it as a big loss until I actually went through it myself. I didn't understand why people would remember it years later. But the two babies I carried for 10 weeks each will always be remembered.

It makes you realize what a miracle each and every baby is. There is a lot that goes into fitting two sets of chromosomes together to make another person. A lot of the time it just doesn't work and it can't be explained away.

The things that make it hard to talk to others about are the reactions.

People ask what's wrong with you. Which just hurts. I'm already blaming myself for things. For example, with the 2nd, we went to Cedar Point when I knew I could have been pregnant but it wasn't far enough to get a positive test. I asked an OB/GYN nurse who asked a doctor and she said that as long as I hadn't gotten a positive test, it was ok to ride the rides at an amusement park. Which they still tell me is ok and didn't cause issues. So I rode roller coasters and other rides and got a positive test 8 days later. And miscarried that baby 5 weeks after that. I still kick myself about that one. But you also can't put your life on hold month after month hoping that you're pregnant but not knowing. And the midwives and another doctor reiterated several times that the roller coasters did not cause the miscarriage. Anyway, I'm already kicking myself and it makes me feel even more guilty when someone asks me what's wrong with me. (Which honestly it could be an issue with my own chromosomes that would require testing. But they don't usually even consider testing until you have 3 miscarriages in a row just because this is so common, even having 2 in a row.)

I've had a few people tell me it's not a big deal or try to downplay it. In fact, one person in particular told me it's not a loss because it wasn't a baby. Maybe that's how she felt but I felt my body change both times and I knew I had babies both times inside of me.

Maybe I'll talk more about this in a future post, and I'm considering writing posts but waiting to publish them until we're further along in this pregnancy and ready to go public with it.  For now, though, I'm going to save my thoughts and continue to write as I go through this.

In the meantime, I think this article is very fitting. It deals specifically with infertility but also has points that are relevant to miscarriages as well. If you have 3 miscarriages in a row, they do refer you to a fertility doctor and that's when you can try to take tests to see if something specific is causing the miscarriages. Even with that testing, of the people who have had 3 miscarriages or more, at least 50% of those couples will not be able to identify anything that is causing the issue.

http://jennandtonica.com/ifcomm-101/

8/1/2012 Update: This post was written when I was just over 4 weeks along in this pregnancy. As of publishing of this post I am almost 14 weeks (tomorrow) pregnant! Just wanted to put this in perspective; when this was written originally. I have weekly posts written out from 4 weeks to 14 weeks that will be posting once a day until I'm caught up to real time. It has really been therapeutic to write this down and I hope maybe it helps someone else. Dave and I have truly been blessed with this pregnancy and my heart aches for everyone who has gone through this themselves.