Miscarriage thoughts

So although it will be a few weeks after I write this for this to post, yesterday Dave and I went public with our current pregnancy and I've started publicly posting the things I've been writing down as this pregnancy has progressed. My first post was a kind of confession where I admitted that I've had miscarriages and talked a little about it.Now that some more time has passed, I figured I would talk a little more about some of the emotions/feelings I've had.

First, to any of my friends reading this who have had a baby in the last year or so: I'm sorry if I've been pretty quiet or aloof about things. It has been extremely difficult for me to watch people having babies and holding them in their arms. And it has felt like EVERYONE else is having babies but me. You know how they say little girls always dream of their wedding days? I always dreamed of having a baby of my own, not about my wedding day. Ask my mom. I had a baby book and had names picked out (nothing common because I HATED how many Jennifers there are). I was going to have a girl first, Crystal, and then twin girls, Xena and Zora. BTW, Xena: Warrior Princess completely stole my name idea! Unfortunately, Dave doesn't like any of these names so no, this baby will not be Crystal, Xena, or Zora.

Anyway, it has been especially hard seeing friends and family have babies around either of our due dates. Both due dates have someone (actually more than one each time) right around it and even now every time I see a picture of the babies it's hard because it reminds me of what I could have had. I'm not perfect. I try really hard to get past that, but I have my good days and bad days. So while I'm very happy for you and your babies and I recognize what a joy and miracle those babies are, please forgive me for not seeming super excited or responsive about it. And yes, for a lot of people, I set so that I would not see Facebook status updates for awhile. I'm really sorry. It's just something I had to do so I could work through my emotions and try to deal with jealousy and bitterness. (BTW this is also why I'm trying to avoid as much as possible putting pregnancy updates on Facebook itself. I figure people have to want to come here to read this stuff if they're reading it. I won't 100% avoid that but I'm trying to make it a little easier for anyone else going through this right now.)

I have a number of friends who have gone through this (miscarriage). I said before that my heart aches but I don't think I can ever describe how much my heart sinks whenever I have to hear the bad news from someone else. Or that someone is trying to get pregnant and having a hard time with that. My heart seriously just aches, physically aches. I say prayers, try to send cards, give hugs, but I know there is nothing I can do. I just want to take the pain away but I can't.

Sometimes I feel guilty with this pregnancy. I did nothing to deserve this where other friends are still struggling. I keep all of them in my prayers every day and think of them often. And hope that someday they will have a baby in their own arms. I don't even know how else to say how deep all my emotions run with this. I will say that I cry every time I read a blog post or email about someone dealing with infertility, miscarriage, still birth, etc.

This is something I'm sure will take a long time to work through. I've worked through a lot already but it has such an effect and has taken a lot out of me.

With all that said, these are some ways I have dealt with it and worked through some things.

When I see a pregnant woman out in public and I feel a pang of bitterness or jealousy, it helps to remind myself that I have no idea what it took her to get to that place. Not to mention that it is such a blessing, that little baby growing inside of her. It's still hard, but it makes things more tolerable.

Miscarriage wise, when a friend says something hurtful, I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are a friend and do not have malicious intent. They didn't realize that what they said hurt me and it was by no means intentional. I know I need to forgive even if they never know that what they said hurt me and move on; forget about it. And I promise, if you worry that you might have said something, I really have worked hard on this one and made a conscious effort to forgive and forget. It's ok. I love all you guys. (And no, honestly, I'm not thinking of anyone/anything specific as I write this.)

Finally, this pregnancy has really been an emotional roller coaster and although things are better, I'm sure it will continue to be (even after the baby is born). There is a board I lurked on that uses the mantra "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." While a lot of people seem to find that mantra helpful, for me personally, it's just too hard to say that to myself. With both of my losses, the baby was gone before my body even registered it. For weeks! And I have had a really hard time with that.

So, for me, personally, I have adopted the "mantra" that this is a new pregnancy and I am enjoying every minute of it, what I'm experiencing- and yes the good with the bad. I did buy a home doppler and for me it has been a Godsend. Since the midwife center was understanding and okayed personal use, I have been and will probably continue to use it every few days until I start feeling the baby move. It helps me know that the baby is still ok. I know if I didn't have it, I would be super anxious and it helps me stay calm. I do have an anterior placenta, which I think means it's slightly harder for me to hear the heartbeat. So if I don't hear it once, I'm not going to panic but will try again another day (ok, yes, probably the following day). And if I don't hear it then, I'll call and head in to let the midwives try for the heartbeat and just take things as they come. I know not everyone agrees that this is the best way to do things but it has helped me tremendously so far. And I also recognize that we all have different personalities so for some people it's not the right choice and would cause more worry.